A Letter To My Body

Dear little, tiny, petite, skinny, blows-away-in-the-wind body.

You’ve come a long way and you’ve got the marks to prove it. You’ve got freckles, scars, scratches, bruises and anything else under the sun. You’ve also been through the ringer.

I’m sorry I’ve dulled you down from the unlimited amount of pain killers and birth control. But to be completely honest, you kind of had it coming. Because you’ve put me through the ringer.

As soon as you started making me feel so much pain that I couldn’t bear it, I hated you. I hated that you made me feel so shit about myself every day and I didn’t know why you were doing it to me. Telling people how I was feeling made them think I was crazy which in turn made me think I actually was. You made me lose friends, end relationships and cause tension in my family. You pushed me around, made me have sleepless nights and cancel important plans. You’ve put me behind in my education and not at the same level as my peers. I’ll never be able to forgive you for that. 

On 20th October 2015 you were exposed for what you are doing to me. It all made sense but that’s when I understood you’re never going to stop. You have no empathy, even when I was depressed and not motivated to do anything with my life you continued to cause me more pain.

It took me a while to realise it’s not all your fault though, there’s something inside you that you can’t fight on your own. And the way you made me feel was you telling me you’re not okay and not well. So even though you’ve caused me a lot of pain; physical and emotional, I understand what you’re going through and I’m with you all the way until death. I will try my best to give you all the rest you need and a fulfilled, exciting time with me. Unfortunately you’ll have to go through countless surgeries, pain medications, poking and prodding by random people with name tags and needles (and we know how much we hate needles). 

I’m going to treat you well for sticking with me through my own tough times. Through heartache, victories, let downs and moments that will change my life forever. You've been loved by a boy despite your scars and that will come again in the future. I know you and the issue we both have reacts to stress, so I’ll try and keep that to a minimum as much as I can. Also, thanks for liking Doritos so much because they’re quite important to me. One change you will notice soon is you’re going to have a decoration (also known as a tattoo). I’m doing it for the both of us, it will serve as a reminder to us everyday why we fight. Because only we know what we go through every single day. 

I will put on a brave face for you every minute of every moment, no matter what you decide to throw my way. I will be smiling after every surgery, every doctor and specialist appointment, every emergency hospital visit. Most likely in the form of puns and flirting shamelessly with nurses.

Despite all we have been through, I’ve come to love you again. It’s been a long journey to get there. Sure some days I’ll get angry at you, but I will never stop loving you again. You’ve made me a more positive person, so thank you for that.

Lots of love,

Brie xx

PS: Keep those ovaries healthy, I need them for something important in the near future.

A Quick Rant

Hello lovelies,

I haven't had much time the past week to write anything substantial about endometriosis - having to deal with a collection of things such as study, a death in the family and still getting through the emotional rollercoaster of a break up as well as the side of endo pain has been quite overwhelming to say the least. So take this blog post as a quick update on how everything has been going for me recently.

1. I had my first cervical smear last Friday, and the nurse was so fantastic and explained to me how the process works and the possible outcomes of the test (and thank God it came back normal). She had read over all my notes and commented on her sympathy for all women with endometriosis which was actually really nice to hear and nearly made me tear up. Now for the gruesome and extremely personal side of this and what my experience was like with my first smear. I have to say that I was extremely intrigued by the 'broom' that was used by the nurse. It seemed like the brushes of the 'broom' were really soft and kind of like the silicone baking brush that you use to smother butter over the top of pastry with. Since I am sexually active I had to get it done whilst I am 20, otherwise it would have been 25 I believe. Do correct me if I am wrong because I am in no way 100% on that. The speculum used to open my cervix was normal like all the other ones I've seen over all my gynaecologist visits in the past. Once the speculum was in place it felt like a huge gust of wind was going up my... yea you get the mental image... sorry about that... it was time to get the broom up in there. And it was painful, extremely painful. It felt like I was having sex all over again but without the emotional and obvious pleasure side of things. The cramping and jabbing feeling that vibrated all over my pelvis was terror. There was also blood resulting from this which was also what I had sometimes after sex. The nurse said it happened as soon as the 'broom' touched my cervix. Thanks endo, you're the bees knees sometimes. The positive out of that was that I have no trace of cancerous cells or HPV and anything along those lines. I am all squeaky clean, seems like my room is not the only thing that is a result of my OCD. Anyway, for the rest of the night I was crampy and cuddled up with my heat pack and my cat. And maybe some cake. But I'm willing to overlook that concept of my night for emotional stability reasons.

2. My brain is fried. Being in an accelerated course for law is causing my head to hurt quite often. I am studying what others have over the time of 9 months, in only 3. And it is the hardest thing I have ever studied. Ever. It makes me feel like I belong back at college. It's dawning on me that between now and October, when my exams are, I will be in educational, mental turmoil. And then after the exams I will most likely collapse and find somewhere sunny to lay down and have a platter of cinnamon dusted mini doughnuts next to me to lazily reach out and grab whenever my taste buds scream for them. Looks like my summer has been sorted. I felt like a smart ass doing NCEA... law makes me feel like my brain is the size of Homer Simpsons'. *bangs head repeatedly on desk* pray for me people, I'm going to need it.

3. I have a fun ass night coming my way. Now I know it's not for everyone, but karaoke to me is like a haven that needs to be visited extremely often. And I have not done it for over a year so it its going to be epic! I have some portable heat pads that I can stick to my belly and it hides under my clothes (thank you Libra, I love you so much) so I can have a good time without worrying too much about pain. Like, can life get any better right now??

Thats all for now! 

Love Brie xx

Medication For Endometriosis

Hello lovelies,

There are so many options to attempt decreasing the pain that endometriosis can bring to you everyday. Natural or pharmaceutical, trying multiple things lift your chance of finding a solution to live as pain free as possible. Now, in terms of what to discuss with your doctor, I would air caution around this one. Unless you have acquired yourself an alternative doctor, stick strictly to the pharmaceutical side of things with your GP. From my experience, that’s the side that they stick to and are familiar with, the rest like your diet, natural remedies etc are left up to you. They don’t really have much to say on that side of things. Of course you can tell them if you are on a new endo diet, they will choose wether to listen or not. It can be frustrating when they don’t exactly listen and take notice to it, but always consider it a bonus when they type it out in your medical notes. Going on the alternative treatments is something that you will have to monitor yourself. 

In terms of pharmaceuticals, I say this; question everything. From my experience, there can be way more side effects than what a drug can actually fix. Do your research and despite popular opinion, do search google - but get your information from reliable sources. I cannot count how many times I have been told not to trust the internet but for myself, most times it has been correct. Except Web MD, I don’t like that website at all. A slight side effect and all of a sudden I have 2 months to live. Not good. Remember that doctors are heavily influenced by drug reps, so always be speculative and always get an answer on what a drug is, what it does, and what to do in case of an emergency after you take it. After all, you are putting more chemicals into your body. You need to know exactly what is going on. And document it! Have a diary where you write down what drugs you take and what day and time you took them. It takes a lot of effort to do, especially when you’re feeling quite under the weather but it is so important.

For myself in terms of pain relief that helps relieve whatever endo decides to throw at me, I have the Mirena IUD, am on the pill (contraceptive), amitriptyline, panadol and ibuprofen. At first the Mirena caused me some pain, I’d say around a couple of months and I had contraction like pain as one would experience going through labour. Now it’s just the matter of keeping the pain at bay with the Mirena, contraceptive and pain killers.

Finding what works for you really is a process of elimination and it can be a very very long process but it is worth it when you feel the pain lifting from your pelvis and anywhere else the pain may be lingering. Going to your doctor is worth the money to figure out what will be the best pain relief.

Much love,

Brie xx