Dear little, tiny, petite, skinny, blows-away-in-the-wind body.
You’ve come a long way and you’ve got the marks to prove it. You’ve got freckles, scars, scratches, bruises and anything else under the sun. You’ve also been through the ringer.
I’m sorry I’ve dulled you down from the unlimited amount of pain killers and birth control. But to be completely honest, you kind of had it coming. Because you’ve put me through the ringer.
As soon as you started making me feel so much pain that I couldn’t bear it, I hated you. I hated that you made me feel so shit about myself every day and I didn’t know why you were doing it to me. Telling people how I was feeling made them think I was crazy which in turn made me think I actually was. You made me lose friends, end relationships and cause tension in my family. You pushed me around, made me have sleepless nights and cancel important plans. You’ve put me behind in my education and not at the same level as my peers. I’ll never be able to forgive you for that.
On 20th October 2015 you were exposed for what you are doing to me. It all made sense but that’s when I understood you’re never going to stop. You have no empathy, even when I was depressed and not motivated to do anything with my life you continued to cause me more pain.
It took me a while to realise it’s not all your fault though, there’s something inside you that you can’t fight on your own. And the way you made me feel was you telling me you’re not okay and not well. So even though you’ve caused me a lot of pain; physical and emotional, I understand what you’re going through and I’m with you all the way until death. I will try my best to give you all the rest you need and a fulfilled, exciting time with me. Unfortunately you’ll have to go through countless surgeries, pain medications, poking and prodding by random people with name tags and needles (and we know how much we hate needles).
I’m going to treat you well for sticking with me through my own tough times. Through heartache, victories, let downs and moments that will change my life forever. You've been loved by a boy despite your scars and that will come again in the future. I know you and the issue we both have reacts to stress, so I’ll try and keep that to a minimum as much as I can. Also, thanks for liking Doritos so much because they’re quite important to me. One change you will notice soon is you’re going to have a decoration (also known as a tattoo). I’m doing it for the both of us, it will serve as a reminder to us everyday why we fight. Because only we know what we go through every single day.
I will put on a brave face for you every minute of every moment, no matter what you decide to throw my way. I will be smiling after every surgery, every doctor and specialist appointment, every emergency hospital visit. Most likely in the form of puns and flirting shamelessly with nurses.
Despite all we have been through, I’ve come to love you again. It’s been a long journey to get there. Sure some days I’ll get angry at you, but I will never stop loving you again. You’ve made me a more positive person, so thank you for that.
Lots of love,
Brie xx
PS: Keep those ovaries healthy, I need them for something important in the near future.
Brie, this post is so personal to you, but at the same time means a lot to me as well. I started out with not loving my body and blaming it like you did, but have also come to realise over time that it's not at fault and I shouldn't blame or lay any hate on it because of Endometriosis.
ReplyDeleteKeep up with the writing - I love reading your blog!
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