A Letter To My Body

Dear little, tiny, petite, skinny, blows-away-in-the-wind body.

You’ve come a long way and you’ve got the marks to prove it. You’ve got freckles, scars, scratches, bruises and anything else under the sun. You’ve also been through the ringer.

I’m sorry I’ve dulled you down from the unlimited amount of pain killers and birth control. But to be completely honest, you kind of had it coming. Because you’ve put me through the ringer.

As soon as you started making me feel so much pain that I couldn’t bear it, I hated you. I hated that you made me feel so shit about myself every day and I didn’t know why you were doing it to me. Telling people how I was feeling made them think I was crazy which in turn made me think I actually was. You made me lose friends, end relationships and cause tension in my family. You pushed me around, made me have sleepless nights and cancel important plans. You’ve put me behind in my education and not at the same level as my peers. I’ll never be able to forgive you for that. 

On 20th October 2015 you were exposed for what you are doing to me. It all made sense but that’s when I understood you’re never going to stop. You have no empathy, even when I was depressed and not motivated to do anything with my life you continued to cause me more pain.

It took me a while to realise it’s not all your fault though, there’s something inside you that you can’t fight on your own. And the way you made me feel was you telling me you’re not okay and not well. So even though you’ve caused me a lot of pain; physical and emotional, I understand what you’re going through and I’m with you all the way until death. I will try my best to give you all the rest you need and a fulfilled, exciting time with me. Unfortunately you’ll have to go through countless surgeries, pain medications, poking and prodding by random people with name tags and needles (and we know how much we hate needles). 

I’m going to treat you well for sticking with me through my own tough times. Through heartache, victories, let downs and moments that will change my life forever. You've been loved by a boy despite your scars and that will come again in the future. I know you and the issue we both have reacts to stress, so I’ll try and keep that to a minimum as much as I can. Also, thanks for liking Doritos so much because they’re quite important to me. One change you will notice soon is you’re going to have a decoration (also known as a tattoo). I’m doing it for the both of us, it will serve as a reminder to us everyday why we fight. Because only we know what we go through every single day. 

I will put on a brave face for you every minute of every moment, no matter what you decide to throw my way. I will be smiling after every surgery, every doctor and specialist appointment, every emergency hospital visit. Most likely in the form of puns and flirting shamelessly with nurses.

Despite all we have been through, I’ve come to love you again. It’s been a long journey to get there. Sure some days I’ll get angry at you, but I will never stop loving you again. You’ve made me a more positive person, so thank you for that.

Lots of love,

Brie xx

PS: Keep those ovaries healthy, I need them for something important in the near future.

Relationships & Endometriosis

Wow, now this is going to be an interesting one. Speaking as someone who is recently single, I will point out that my knowledge in this area isn’t that vast. 

As shared in my first blog post, when I found out after surgery that I have endometriosis, I was in a relationship. It definitely took my ex and I a while to get into the swing of things in terms of learning what endometriosis is and what effect it was going to have on us for the future we had wanted together etc. After a while I feel that he got sick and tired of me talking about it and having to put up with me in terms of pain. It was not something that he had signed up for.

It wasn’t a long relationship, it was a very short one. And didn’t last as long as I had wanted it to which does hurt. I had personal standards that needed to be met for myself in a partner, and I lowered them for him because I was in love with him. And I believed that he would change.

This was my first endo relationship, and I do worry for the future of meeting someone I like who also likes me and having to tell them I have endometriosis, and will not physically be able to be intimate all the time and always having that risk of infertility. Which is part of the reason why it was incredibly hard for me to let go of my ex. I know some will run in the opposite direction, and others will stay but find it frustrating. But after a little while I came to the realisation that the right person will accept me for who I am, and look at endometriosis not as a part of me, but a common enemy for the both of us. I believe I was given endometriosis for a reason. And that reason has not come to my attention yet but I know it will in the very near future. Perhaps it could be that it will show me who is reliable in a moment of emergency and who isn’t. 

I feel for ladies who have endometriosis, it’s never weak of you to ask for help and to make sure that you have support people around you who can assist and help you in times of need. And I can also not stress enough, do not put your all into a new relationship. Do not use all your spoons to make the other person feel loved. Do what you can do and what feels right. Match their input into the relationship, do not go above and beyond when they don’t respect you because it does end in heartbreak and stress, for me anyway, results in more endo pain and emergency hospital visits. It’s absolutely without a doubt not worth it. Do not put your health at risk for someone else.

At the end of the day, you need to learn to love yourself and who you are first before being able to love someone else. You need to accept what you have (chronic illness) instead of trying to put it to one side and think it’s not real and you don’t really have it. You have every right to feel normal of course, but you also need to work with what you have and what your body is physically able to do each day. So I cannot urge this enough, please, don’t waste your precious spoons. It’s okay to be selfish.

Lots of love,

Brie xx